How to get through public outbursts
So I am in the bank and Jonathan decides to a have melt down. Desperate to get free of my hand he drops his weight to the floor and begins to twist and flop, howling like a wounded animal. It’s almost impossible to pick him up because every time I try lets his whole body go limp. I know that if I let go of his hand he’ll run. I would come back to the bank another day but my car payment is over due, I’ve got to pay it. I try again to lift him from the floor, I whisper to him sternly but he isn’t listening nor does he care. And while I have not looked up to see, I can feel it…everyone is staring at this fantastic display.
Jonathan keeps twisting around, hurting my hand at this point but I know I can’t let go. He’ll run out into the street and get hurt…and that’s when I hear it…”Would you look at that, she’s going to twist his arm right off.” I whip my head around to see this stuffy women baring an expression I have see a million times before. You would think that trying to drag a twisting, kicking, screaming child up to the bank teller would afford some sympathy but it rarely ever does. I’m young and I look young, a trait that doesn’t go well with situations like these.
This women thinks what most think, that I have not done my job as a parent in some way and this ridicules display is a result of my poor parenting skills. Exhausted and frustrated I snap at her, “He’s Autistic, he’s upset, can’t you see that?” If the whole bank wasn’t staring me before, they certainly are now. However, I don’t feel embarrassed this time, I feel liberated. There were so many times when I would have loved to have said that before but I could never muster the courage.
Whether that women understood or not I’ll never know. Anyone who has read my blog before would soon realize this didn’t happen yesterday, it happened ten years ago and people where far less aware of Autism then they are now. Then it was 1 in every 7,000 or so with Autism, now it’s 1 in every 150. The numbers have changed but the scene is still the same for many parents, only the location changes. Jonathan is 13 now and we don’t have public displays like the one in the bank anymore, (thank god but because considering his size now he would certainly win the argument) but I still remember the feeling of having everyone stare at me and assume that I did something wrong as a parent.
At one point Jonathan developed a problem with trying to steal things when we went shopping. I always caught him before we left the store but that didn’t save me from a few stern remarks from store employees. So I introduced Jonathan to a police man at my aunt’s church and had him tell Jonathan that if he kept stealing he would take him to jail. He played the part well for Jonathan (we had this planned) he spoke in a stern voice telling Jonathan he would get nothing but bread and water in jail and no recess ever again.
When ever Jonathan tried to grab something in the store I would remind him that the police man could be watching. One day Jonathan grabbed a truck of the shelf. At that very moment (like some act of god) some one set off the store alarm and it made Jonathan jump. Seeing an opportunity I said, “Quick, put it back before the police man comes!” With the alarm going off he really believed it and never tried to take anything from a store again.
Don’t be afraid to get out there
It can be hard to ignore harsh comments and insensitivity from others. Children with Autism look the same as any other child and people often assume the worst. It took a while but I finally stopped apologizing to everyone and stopped hiding in my house like a hermit. I decided that it was pointless to hide and in truth it wasn’t helping Jonathan either. Jonathan was not going to get used to public situations if we didn’t get out there. Sticking to a routine seemed to make Jonathan worse because as soon as something changed his world would fall apart.
Have a plan
Bring along things that you know your child likes. I would keep things handy that I knew had a calming effect on Jonathan, such as his action figures or a cereal bar. At moments when he looked like he could pitch a fit, I would whip out the favourite toy and his focus would be diverted, even if for a minute or two.
Remember that you are a good parent
No matter how prepared I was there was always times when Jonathan left me feeling pretty embarrassed. Try to remember that you don’t need the approval of perfect strangers. You know why you are a good parent, there is no reason for you to have to explain yourself or your child every time you go food shopping.
Change your routine
While almost forcing Jonathan to get used to the outside world was not easy and at times down right nerve racking it eventfully worked. It didn’t happen over night, it took time but now Jonathan goes everywhere with me. I found the less routine I made his life the easier it was for him to adapt to new and unexpected situations. Transitions got smoother and Jonathan got calmer. I think it’s been two years now since Jonathan has had any trouble while we are out. Last week we enjoyed the Zoo and plan to go on many more trips through out the year.
Don’t be afraid to get out there.
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